What, me worry?

Alfred E. Neuman

If in my life, I ever had a role model, or was deeply influenced by one single person; Alfred E. Neuman would be that person. "A face that doesn't have a care in the world, except mischief. "

Another way to die

Ending your life is definitely the biggest and the last event that affects it. Do it with style. And since you've already shown a lot of courage by deciding to take your life, why ruin it by going for the painless and swift way?


Aim: self- strangling

What you need: Hands

How to do it:
Not complicated enough to have a "special technique". You just need to put your hands around the neck and start strangling.

Problems encountered:
Strangling yourself with your own hands has long been considered impossible because when your body stops getting enough oxygen, you pass out. Now passing out while strangling yourself is the worst thing that can happen to you. It is like failing at failing. Man are you a failure then! You're the one who has to deal with the embarrassment of people finding you on the floor in your own drool and your hair all dishevelled (remember to comb your hair beforehand). They take you to the hospital where the doctors are so disappointed in you, that one of them might try to strangle you. And if they don't, give me a call; I will. The late Sillius Soddus strangled himself to death. Or was it rabies? Who cares!

Manliness rating: 9 on 10


Holding your breath is another cool alternative. It is very similar to strangling yourself, but the difficulty level is much harder. Harder than Hindi is for Sushant Gangidi. But here is a 3-step guide for those of you who want to do it right now.

Step 1: Hold your breath
Step 2: Wait for 10 minutes
Step 3: If you're reading this, you have failed. Go strangle yourself.

Brand new year, eh?

Reasons why you should celebrate New Year:

1. Everyone else is celebrating. So why shouldn't you follow?
2. The year 2009 is going to be great. The astrologer on Aaj Tak said this will be a prosperous one for you (provided that you wear yellow underpants).
3. You get to write a new and better date! You see, 2009 > 2008; a bigger number, a better number!
4. You will no longer be a scumbag this year, like you were for the whole of the previous year and the years before that.
5. You get to make a "new year resolution", things like: I'll try to be less of a jackass/ snob/ imbecile/ loser/ otiose waste/ sucker/ pessimist (whatever suits you), and fool yourself to hope and feel good about yourself.
6. What's a better way to end the Gregorian year than to help the restaurants, pubs, etc. earn some money to start rich the next year?
7. You get to see more girls in the New Year Special Edition of The Times of India.

Happy New Year!

Annoying things

• Noisy eaters/ people who chew noisily
• Euphemisms
  
• People reading over your shoulder
• Water in the ears after a bath
• People who say,"That's obvious" or "What else do you expect?" after everything you say (the "wise guys"; I'd sentence them to death by a firing squad)
• When people start saying something, stop midway and then say “Forget it" (this should be made a punishable offense)
  
• Nails scratching against a chalkboard
  
• Leaky pens ruining your hands and your pocket
• People asking some really stupid questions during a stupid lecture.
• Ekta Kapoor serials/soaps ( God save humankind!)
  
• Shopkeepers who are rude (esp. one particular grumpy old man at a gift store in B.I.T.S, Pilani)
  
• “Dudes” with long hair.
• The Teletubbies (the name says it all!)
  
• Himesh Reshamiya and his nasal overtones (usually of the tenth order)
• Himesh Reshamiya fans
  
• Having to repeat yourself over and over and over and over and over ….
• Talent hunts and reality television.
• Stepping/ sitting on chewing gum
  
• People who worship their favourite actors and can't take a word against them (movie over-enthusiasts too).
• When you have a long way to walk and your footwear breaks.
• Stepping into something wet, with your socks on
• Beauty pageants (pointless, unless you want a few more bad actresses)
  
• Websites that require horizontal scrolling.
• People smoking at a nearby table, at a restaurant, when you're having your food (No thanks! We're fine without the free smoke).
• When you ask someone to help you decide, and the reply is “Do what you think is best.” (that’s probably the dumbest reply possible)
• Snobs. (very, very, very annoying)
  
• People who overuse slang.
• When at a gathering, two people just can’t stop whispering in each others’ ears and giggling. Intolerable when they are a couple and are sitting right beside you.
• When both your hands are busy, and a fly just can’t stay away from your nose.
• When you’re trying to teach someone and the person can’t understand even the simplest of things. More irritating when the person doesn’t pay any attention at all.
• Hypocrites! (very difficult to not be one though)
• When someone belches loudly.
• The so called “metro-sexual” guys.
• You’re out with someone, who finds someone else and they just can’t stop talking.
• The internet speed at B.I.T.S, Pilani.
• When you are given 4 chocolates or chewing gum instead of 4 rupees.
• People lying over petty things
• People who just can’t accept that they’re wrong, despite knowing it, and say anything to prove their point.
• Guys who grow nails, and even paint them!
• U.C.O bank and its staff.
• People who use profanities to express surprise or to exclaim (Yup! You too).
• Aaj Tak and Star News

If you feel that I have missed some important points, or would like to append to the list, or would like to share your own list, please use the comments section. Write down anything that annoys you.